[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
You Might Also Like
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.