me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
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when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Plumber: I think I found the problem
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby