Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
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*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
My favorite farside!!