[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
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[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
The French cow says MEUX…
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Every haunted house movie:
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.