People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
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It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE