that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
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I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.