If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
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The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁