Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
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Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
this came to me in a vision
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.