TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
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Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.