Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
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I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
getting old is fun
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?