Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
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[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated