realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
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Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT