DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
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“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.