I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
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Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
lost dog
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I’m having an out of money experience.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.