Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
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the prophecy has been fulfilled
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.