You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
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I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Put a ring on it
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Are we there yet?…
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?