My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
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“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
File under excellent bookstore names.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Don’t snitch tag.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores