me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
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My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Meeeee too!