Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
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im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
My dad teaching me to drive
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal