[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
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Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Labreador
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.