My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
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Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.