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Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now