Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
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[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
mariah carrie
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
the saddest jazz hands ever
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call