Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
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I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
me doing my best
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.