so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
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Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.