Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
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dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Netflix and awkward silence?
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.