Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
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I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
My typo game is string.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.