Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
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You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume