A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
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FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
My life coach traded me.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*