Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
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Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Am I having a stroke?
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion