I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
You Might Also Like
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
bro what is going on at twitter
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship