Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
You Might Also Like
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
tell em, edith-anne
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.