Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
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Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”