My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
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I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
gm