Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
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therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same