Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
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Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
i’m still crying at this
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket