Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
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Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
hi why am I like this
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…