my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
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I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?