Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
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One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
happy valentine’s day to me
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.