me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
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“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day