Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
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Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?