Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
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Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Every work meeting this week
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep