flash mobs for serving divorce papers
You Might Also Like
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??