For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
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Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
want me to check your oil?
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I was up all night reading about insomnia
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.