My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
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*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads