True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
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Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.