AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
You Might Also Like
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
💯😂
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
God, I love Scotland
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.