Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
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[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Well, this certainly took a turn
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”