[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
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Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
you know what ruined my childhood? children
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned