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Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written